osewalrus

A big part of my job these days is mentoring/training younger attorneys. I ran across an article from the Wall St J that some men in the financial sector are reacting to the recent heightened awareness and consequences of sexual harassment by simply cutting out mentoring activities with women. This, in turn, prompted someone to ask me what advice I would give to these men to cal them down and provide them with guidance on how to behave in a way they won't "get in trouble."

Yes, this assumes that men are genuinely worried about this and it isn't some form of coordinated patriarchal punishment or injured privilege. As someone who actually talks to men and has a tendency generally to try to understand people I'm talking to, I would say there is a mix. Sure, you have your sulking babies who are like "well fine, if I can't just be me then I won't even socialize with women at work, so there! That will show them. I bet they're sorry now." But you also have lots of men who have absorbed all the popular culture about how some women (not all women, but some women) will manipulate the system to their advantage, or mistake something innocent for something else. Many humans list interacting with other humans as their biggest source of anxiety. It's why public speaking is such a big fear. So combine the fact that the apparent risk is huge and the culture (and your personal workplace) sends all kinds of contradictory and confusing messages and, yes, there are men out there who are genuinely anxious about screwing up and will follow advice that is being ladled out as to how to be "safe." Shouting at people who are anxious and confused to stop being anxious and confused because they should just know how to behave properly unless they are intrinsically bad people who can't figure out how not to be sexist assholes is hardly reassuring.

As it happens, I have a huge advantage. I have had several good women mentors over the years. So I knew when I reached the level where I was actually mentoring other people that cross-gender mentorships are not merely possible, but can be quite positive. In any event, here is my advice.

1. Establish the same pattern for all your mentees, no matter gender. If you are regularly having lunch with all your male mentees, then no one will think twice about doing the same thing for female mentees. If anyone does imply you are doing something inappropriate, either you or the mentee can simply point out that this is how your mentorship works.

2. By the same token, always keep your talk professional and appropriate for the workplace regardless of gender. Do not have "guy talk" with your male mentees any more than you would with your female mentees. For one thing, they may be equally uncomfortable with "locker room talk." Even if your male mentees are not uncomfortable with it, such language is horribly inappropriate and sets a bad example.

3. Part of being a good mentor is taking an interest in your mentee's personal life. But that does not mean anything creepy. Feel free to talk about things like holiday plans, inquiries as to family heath, and respond in kind to similar inquiries. But understand the limits. Don't ask about someone's dating or personal details. Also, if someone signals that their family is an uncomfortable subject, take the clue.

4. Have confidence that your mentee is actually looking to have a good mentorship experience. If you are a good mentor, then your mentees are not going to hatch elaborate revenge plots. Indeed, given the importance of lifetime networking, any mentee will want to maintain a positive relationship. Be empowering and supporting.

5. Do avoid things that can make people uncomfortable, such as hotel rooms (unless you have an office suite and have set up as an office there). When traveling, I am quite happy to meet with mentees over breakfast or in the lobby of a hotel. I do not ask them to meet me in my room. Nor do I ask for their room number. We all have cell phones these days.

6. Finally, a good mentor/mentee relationship involves friendship and trust. Do you have friends who are women? Good. Then you can mentor women. If you are one of those benighted idiots who thinks that men and women cannot be friends because invariably sex must come between them, please don't mentor anyone -- male or female. Srsly. You are a lawsuit waiting to happen. Unlearn the idea that the only possible relationship between a man and a woman is sexual (or maternalfamilial). Then we can talk.